My long-suffering wife, raised as she was in a loving household where the virtues of conformation were second only to confirmation, despairs at my tendencies to go out of my way to "buck the system."

She feels the cause is attributed to some lingering remnant of an unfulfilled childhood and she may well be on to something. I must confess to deriving a childish delight from little matters, such as walking on public lawns that have a sign telling me not to do so and swimming beyond the plastic floats where I’m not supposed to tread water.

It’s just an instinctive thing I guess, something along the lines of what a dog must feel when he baptizes his master’s Goodyears: "Take that… Sir!"

 It may even be genetic. Fifty years after the event, my dad derived great pleasure retelling this story about his regiment’s arrival at a war-time British base. While checking out the facilities, so to speak, he and his troop mates happened upon a single toilet out of 20 that sported a sign,
"Out of Order, Do Not Use, By Order." Doubting Thomases, the lot of them, and with no great respect for arbitrary authority, they decided to test the receptacle for themselves and used it to the exclusion of all the others until parade time the next morning.

 Even the Regimental Sergeant Major could scarcely keep his grin under control. He offered only a weak "Steady men!" as they gleefully heard the enraged shouts of the civilian maintenance types that drifted across the parade square from the direction of the lavatory: "You filthy, Kineyedian, bawstads!" So much for washroom authorities and their asinine notices.

The modern equivalent of that silly sign are laws such as the Provincial Policy Statement on Land Use (PPS), The Clean Water Act, and the Endangered Species Act. Each one targets rural Ontario and guarantees to produce the same results as that hand-printed sign: defiance and unintended consequences that compound the original problem. I’ll explain by example.

 About a year ago several Glengarry landowners made an unwanted appearance at a meeting hosted by an environmental consultant under contract with the local conservation authority.

In cahoots with municipal planners, provincial agencies, and assorted environmental saviours, they concocted a Natural Heritage Strategy that was intended to supplement the dictates of the PPS by "extending protection" to dozens of privately owned land features in Glengarry County.

Not having a lot in common with this publicly-funded tea and crumpet set, Shawn McRae delivered our message in one sentence: "If you ever decide to ‘protect’ my hardwood bush, I’ll clear-cut every damned tree just to spite you bastards." Amen.

 It is probably the time to start our engines. The Save Our Species Coalition (taxpayer-subsidized environmental charity groups) is so enthusiastic about Premier Dalton McGuinty’s new-and-improved version of the Endangered Species Act – and the prospect of more private land confiscation – that they’re running radio ads applauding the Ontario liberals.

The Liberals will doubtless soon ram the Act through the legislature. One would almost suspect they were getting paid to cheer. The ads got me so curious that I had to have a look at the Endangered Species Act myself…and I must say, it got me pretty excited too.

 After cross-referencing my limited knowledge of local flora and fauna with the innumerable threatened and endangered species listed in the schedules, it quickly became apparent that a valid case could be made for declaring all of North Glengarry "species habitat" and therefore deserving of all the protections that laws can offer; and this one offers a lot.

Why, it even provides our Ministry of Natural Resources with the authority to protect habitat that might be used by "extirpated species" – something that used to live here but no longer does.

I think elk might fall into this category, because Jacques Cartier noted seeing them in abundance along the shores of the lower St. Lawrence in the 1500s, and in the event that a few ever wander back, your low-lying river-shore grasslands would suit them just fine.

So your land is now their land – quit fussing about compensation.

 Shrikes need your old fields, silver shiners and eels need your ditches and spotted turtles and various mosses and weeds will require any damp spot that you have left over.

You noticed I said "your" fields, not "my". Don’t bother calling me to ask what I mean by that because I’m going to be very busy for the next few months doing some exterior renovations.